On Hold

I feel a little like I’m on hold.  One could argue this has been true for the last 9 months, but the feeling keeps growing in intensity.  For the last several weeks “baby” is really the only thing I have been thinking about in one way or another.  Some part of me, distantly buried, is concerned by this: Wondering how much of my pre-pregnant self-hood will remain while being a mother.

I liked my life of hanging out at the bar, listening to local music; going out to eat and enjoying the occasional odd show, festival, or performance.  And sure, I’ll still be able to do those things, if I either a) do them without Sean, and have him do them without me, or b) get a baby-sitter [or I suppose c) do them with the baby, but I find that more unrealistic].

But there’s also the point that maybe I won’t want to do those things as much anymore.  I also enjoy staying at home, even with just Sean, the cats, the tv, and the computer for company: and now I’ll have a baby.  Will I never, or rarely, want to go do those things I used to love doing?

Will I be able to have the types of conversations with people I used to have, or will I become the person whose only contributions to the conversation involve anecdotes about her child?  There is a judgment there that I’m not necessarily trying to make: if your child is all you do or care about, then of course that’s what you have to talk about.  Will I have the energy to continue to pursue my other life interests, or will my child become all consuming?  And even if I have the energy, will my old interests be something I will find affordable to do, or important enough to do?

These questions would once have held a sort of angst in them, I think: A fear of losing parts of myself.  Right now they are more philosophical, curiosities about what is to come.  I imagine that I will be able to create some sort of symbiotic relationship between who I was and what Sean and I will be as parents that can leave the whole satisfied, but it’s something I’m going to have to see.  I know I’m eager to get around to actually doing it.

The last couple of days have left me with an odd calm though, possibly related to the food comas and crazy sleep-a-thons in which I’ve participated.  I know baby is coming soon: Hours or weeks, it’s still going to be soon.  Someone’s going to pick up this phone.